Friday, February 02, 2007

The Saga of The Dumpster

(Warning: In-Joke. If you don't get it, don't worry.)

The Dumpster, a superhero of Kelburn, with the ability to produce stool of incredible density and resilience. Posing as a mildly irritating marketing student by day, The Dumpster emerges at night to help rid the world of the evil forces of hygiene, flush-toilets, and bandwidth.

While many have heard of his deeds, few know the origins of his terrifying power. Raised downstream from an abandoned Agent Orange dumping ground, The Dumpster's body became mutated, allowing him to absorb internet bandwidth, transforming it into nuggets of super-hardened porcelain death.

His parents, fearing for their lives and for the future of the country's internet backbone, smuggled him into the backwater nation of New Zealand as a foreign exchange student. Here, they hoped, his terrible hunger for bandwidth could be controlled by the powerful Queen Telecom and her Scepter of Monopoly.

There, languished at the end of a dial-up connection, The Dumpster was studied by the undercover scientist known as Snowflake. Over time, Snowflake warmed to his dumpish ways, and a secret romance developed. Finally, no longer able to watch his immense suffering, Snowflake freed The Dumpster from the laggy clutches of his dial-up cage, and brought him to great Hall of Everton, where he could feed.

And feed he did, processing great swaths of bandwidth into one of the most incredible toilet submarines ever created. But The Dumpster vowed that he would use his incredible powers for the good of humanity. He trained, day and night, perfecting his technique, enhancing his already monstrous powers of dumpage.

With the aid of Snowflake, The Dumpster forged in the mighty fires of Mount Vic, the Breeches of Density (+5 attack against porcelain), allowing him to concentrate his stool into deadly clumps of supersonic turd.

Tune in next week to hear about The Dumpster's mortal foes: Special Agents Tyna Twirly and Mealzita Morena of Queen Telecom's Bandwidth Utilization Taskforce (BUT), and Malice McArthur, leader of the Porcelain Rebellion.

1 comment:

Tina said...

The Secret Agents of BUT crept into the bathroom in the cold harsh light of day to discover the scene of the crime - a Dump. They attempted to use their Aquaeous Flush on the Dump, but to no avail. They tried once, twice; nothing happened.